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Who’s the real Dom here?? (AKA the real truth about TPE)
Ten years ago Dom S met Sub M. They met through an ad in a BDSM magazine. She came to visit for only a weekend. He dragged her down into his dungeon, hung her by her wrists, and within hours she was wearing his collar. Within days she had returned to her home, two states away, picked up all her worldly possessions and moved in with Dom S on a full time basis. She gave over to him everything that was hers to give. Truly, it was a total power exchange. The relationship was the perfect example extolled in all the BDSM literature they, or you, have ever read.
Flash forward ten years. It’s well past noon but Sub M is lying in bed, she is going on her second day of another hellacious period. Dom S enters carrying a tray with hot tea, an English muffin, at least a half a dozen of Sub M’s pills, (the daily pills Sub M must take to keep her operating on an almost human level) and an ice pack for her aching belly. S lovingly props her up in bed, places her breakfast tray on the bed next to her and makes sure she takes all her pills before going back downstairs to put a load of laundry in the washing machine. Although this is Sunday it isn’t much different then the way at least half of all their mornings together start nowadays.
So what has happened? Has big bad dominant master S become meek slave S? Has the D/s dynamic of their relationship shifted? Have the passing 10 years seen a reversal of their power exchange? No, actually the answer is much more complicated and yet simpler. Life has gotten in the way of their lifestyle. Love has made them a couple, partners for life. Master S and Sub M have made a life together. They married, perhaps had their 2.5 kids, and bought the American dream lock stock and second mortgage. The brutal truth is Dom S and Sub M have taken a back seat to Daddy and Mommy S&M. Ten years and perhaps a heart attack or diabetes or endometriosis, or maybe just the normal toll that 3,650 days of living take on the human body have not changed the TPE in their relationship. It’s just brought to the forefront the lack of power over normal life they have to be exchanged.
Over the 30 years I’ve been in the BDSM scene I’ve met hundreds of couples like Dom S and Sub M. Perhaps their example is a little extreme but how many times has a Daddy Dom driven the kids to school, just because it’s his turn? How many times has Slave Mom told him "Not tonight, dear, the kids have homework I have to help them with."?
The truth, more times than anyone in the BDSM scene wants to admit, is more often than not the pressures of real life bear down and crush the delightful fantasy of TPE (total power exchange). Life doesn’t just march on, all too often it stomps all over our fantasies, then does the tarantella all over our sexual fun to boot. Sometimes, all we can do is hang on and hope that the shackles in the dungeon don’t get rusty waiting for the evening the kids are at grandma’s. We hope the boss doesn’t need us to work late at the office this Friday night. We pray that on that one special night this week (or worse, the only good night this month) Mom’s IBS isn’t acting up, or Dad’s arthritic back isn’t hurting so bad he can’t do anything but lie on a heating pad and moan. We dream about the magic night when Dom S can once again humble his willing slave M. The wonderful evening when the family room can once again become the dungeon of desire. The strange and rare time when real life once again takes a back seat to our inner dreams and desires. The moment when the fates give us a break and TPE can move from lifestyle to life. What the hell, most of us work 50 weeks just to have some fun 2 other weeks of the year. And let’s be truthful, Daddy S can still dream about hearing Sub M down on her knees murmuring lovingly "Yes, Master." As he drives the kids to soccer.
The bottom line is that BDSM, TPE, and D/s are ALL fantasy. It is the dangling carrot that keeps our horse plowing. All of us in the BDSM scene have to live in the black and white real world but we dream in the color world of Slaves and Masters. It’s only when we lose sight that its all a pleasant fantasy, a joyful break from humdrum reality, that it crosses the line into DSM IV* territory.
Who’s the real Dom here? Life is the real Dom and we are all just slaves to life.
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Click here for Feb 2000 article "What is BDSM" by Carter Stevens