Silly Season By Carter Stevens

July 31, the last day of July and the official start of the Dog days of Summer. The brutally hot time of year that newspaper men have always referred to as the silly season because "Man Bites Dog" stories become the norm in the heat and sweat of the slowest part of the business year.
Well, about nine O'clock in the evening the silly season started with a bang for me. I answered my door bell to an "Intellectual Property Investigator" from North Carolina, (I swear that's what his card said) accompanied by a local policeman, who hand delivered me an official looking letter from a big New York Law firm representing the Hearst publishing empire. It seems they want me to immediately cease publication of our magazine "Cosmopolitan Domination", because the name is too close to their own little publication known to many as "Cosmo".

I had to admit at first I laughed my ass off. I knew that either one of two things probably prompted this official looking warning.

1. This New York law firm was sticking it to Hearst for a massive retainer every year to "protect" their precious copyrights and business was so slow they needed to find something, ANYTHING to justify their big pay check so they had to reach out and find "Cosmopolitan Domination" and totally ignore the whole name, the market, and every other factor to make themselves look vigilant in the eyes of their bosses (must be near contract renewal time). or

2. Some kinky middle management type at Hearst itself went out to a local adult book store (Remember we aren't sold on the newsstands that Cosmo is sold on. That's right, we aren't even IN the same market.) Anyway, he probably found a copy of "Cosmopolitan Domination", and took it back to the office for a good whack off behind his desk. He was probably caught by his boss, and thinking quickly said something like "Look what I discovered, they are obviously trying to rip off the public using our name" or some such. In short, a quick save.

In either case the whole thing was laughably stupid on the face of it. I fired back a quick answer to the lawyers and told them what I thought of their demands. (the original letter and my answer follow later in this issue) But upon reflection I no longer find it funny, I find it annoying. The entire issue is so patently ridiculous that the nerve of these people started to sink in.
This Multi-Million Dollar corporation, (hell, probably multi- BILLION dollar) knew damn well their case was a joke, so they must have spent all that money to send their investigator all the way out here just to intimidate this poor little pornographer into turning tail and kissing the big corporation's ass.
Well, those of you who have read this paper before know damn well it ain't going to happen. Hearst and all their high priced minions can be prepared to face little old me in court, pro se if it comes to that, (meaning broke little me will drag himself into every hearing and file answers to every motion by myself without benefit of attorney) should they decide to go through with the suit.
(It's one of the advantages of having too much time on your hands, being so broke you're judgment proof (you can't lose what you don't have), and having a great interest in the law (to the point of almost being overly litigious yourself).

As many of you know I have fought anti-pornography cases not once but twice in my life. Criminal cases where I could have gone to jail for putting out the adult material I do. Not piddling civil cases where I had nothing to lose anyway. I spent enough money to pay for my lawyer's 2nd home and I won both times.
If I wouldn't cave in against Uncle Sammy with the power to throw my fat ass in jail, do you think I'm going to cave in to the minions of W.R. Hearst's progeny?
Can you say fat fucking chance?
I'll fight this crap with every bit of energy and cunning I can muster. I'll live in the law library of the local college if I have to, (should this continue to the next phase) and I'll damn well find something to counter sue these ass holes with should I win. (Just to cover my time and energy, after all my labor is worth something, right.).

The funniest thing about this whole situation is that if Hearst just offered me the same amount of money to stop publishing CosDom, that it's going to cost them to haul my ass into court and fight me I probably would have been bought off like a cheap politician but now they've got my dander up and I'll fight for my rights (and yours!!!) far past the point it would be worth it business wise. Of course, this entire matter could be moot if the heat wave in New York breaks, or the air conditioning at that big New York law firm is fixed and the lawyers throw my letter on the scrap heap and go on to some real cases. But somehow I doubt it.
The bigger the company the bigger the egos. I'm sure someone at Hearst thinks no one in publishing should ever be allowed to use the adjective cosmopolitan since they "own it" However, they are dealing with my own over inflated ego, so I'm sure its going to wind up with a "Mine's bigger than Yours" battle and I have learned over the years that I may not be the biggest dick on the block but I'm the hardest, and I don't bend.

In the meantime I have to put the new issue of "Cosmopolitan Domination" to bed. I was going to joke that I hope all you perverts out there don't pick up a copy of "Cosmo" by mistake, but I have more faith in your reading abilities than the Hearst Corporation must have in their readers.

By the way if there are any lawyers out there who would like to take on the Hearst corporation with me (pro bono or on a contingency, of course) give me a call or drop me a line.
I'm crazy enough to take them on but I'm not stupid enough to want to take them on alone if I have a viable option.

LIDDY SULLIVAN GALWAY BEGLER & COHEN, P.C.
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
708 THIRD AVENUE - 14TH FLOOR
NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10017

July28, 1997

The Publisher
CARTER STEVENS PRESENTS
Lexington Avenue
P.O. Box 727
Pocono Summit, PA 18346

Re: Infringement of Trademark by Carter Stevens Presents - United States Our Ref.: HERST45232

Gentlemen:

We are the attorneys for The Hearst Corporation, a multinational, multimedia publishing and entertainment company (herein- after"Hearst"). Among the many property rights of Hearst is the extremely well known domestic and international publication COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE. Hearst owns registrations for the trademark COSMOPOLITAN in respect of magazines and periodical publica- tions in both the U.S. and in dozens of countries throughout the world.

It has recently come to our attention that Carter Stevens Presents (hereinafter "Carter Stevens") is publishing and distributing a pornographic magazine relating to sadomasochism under the title COSMOPOLITAN. Moreso, the script used in the presentation of the title COSMOPOLITAN by Carter Stevens copies the unique script utilized by Hearst for its well known COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE. A copy of the cover page of a COSMOPOLITAN publication of Carter Stevens is attached herewith.

It is our opinion, and the opinion of our client that the Carter Stevens COSMOPOLITAN pornographic publication is a blatant infringement of the trademark rights of Hearst. Further, under the Lanham Act and related Federal and State statutes, this infringement by Carter Stevens constitutes unfair competition, false designation of origin and dilution of Hearst's trademark rights, entitling Hearst to injunctive relief, damages and, very likely, under these circumstances, punitive damages, as well.

Therefore, on behalf of our client, we demand that Carter Stevens immediately cease and desist from any further publication, distribution and advertising and promotion of its COSMOPOLITAN pornographic publication. We also demand a complete accounting as to all sales and distribution of the COSMOPOLITAN publication of Carter Stevens.

Should we not hear from you or your attorneys within the next ten (10) business days, we have been authorized by our client to immediately institute suit against you, as well as any of your known distributors.

We look forward to your immediate reply.

Very truly yours, Andrew V. Galway

Mr. Andrew V. Galway, Attorney
Liddy Sullivan Galway Begler and Cohen, P.C.
708 Third Avenue, 14th Floor, New York, NY. 10017

July 30, 1997

Re: your ref: Herst-45232

Dear Mr. Galway:

Thank you for your letter dated July 28, 1997. I needed a good laugh to start my day and your letter certainly provided it. I can't believe your company survives as the legal representatives for a corporation as large as the Hearst Corporation since you obviously have no regard for facts or the law.

Our publication is titled "COSMOPOLITAN DOMINATION" not as you stated in your letter Cosmopolitan. This in itself makes the rest of your letter moot since you have not even gotten the title of our magazine correct.

"COSMOPOLITAN DOMINATION" is aimed at an adult publication market with an interest in (as you put it) sado-masochism not a young female market which Hearst's magazine is aimed at so it isn't even trying to unfairly compete. We clearly mark our magazine (which is NOT pornographic!) with our Logo of Carter Stevens Presents (almost as large as the title itself) since we wish to clearly identify it as our product, as the Carter Stevens name does have a following in the adult market, so your claim of false designation of origin is equally groundless. Only an idiot could mistake our publication COSMOPOLITAN DOMINATION for that of your client's publication thus all your claims of dilution of Hearst's trademark rights are equally baseless.

As to the down right silly claim of our infringing on the "unique Script" utilized by Hearst for their magazine, I was unaware that a plain sans serif typeface was "unique" to the Hearst Corporation. If that is so perhaps you might want to sue Corel Corporation the makers of Corel DRAW which is the program we use to design all our magazine covers and whose typefaces it is that we use on all our covers. Also attached is a copy of another "COSMOPOLITAN DOMINATION" cover using a different typeface as we tend to change it every issue or so, depending on our art director, because we DON'T want it to look the same from issue to issue, as a different look is important in the Adult publication market.

Hearst Corporation only has a trademark on the title Cosmopolitan not on the word itself. As an adjective cosmopolitan refers to "belonging to all the world, not limited to just one part" and "free from local, provincial, or national ideas, prejudices, or attachments" (Random House College Dictionary) thus it is the perfect adjective for our title of COSMOPOLITAN DOMINATION.

In short not one claim made in your letter has any basis in fact and if your firm proceeds with this frivolous litigation I will defend against it with all my limited resources and, if at all possible, file a counter claim myself for damages. Considering your total lack of consideration for the facts I am confident I will prevail.